The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
