Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
