I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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