Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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