I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
