I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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