i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Farmville is her only friend.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
