I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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