my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
