Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
