I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
