Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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