trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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