I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
