You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
