wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
