So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
