i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
