Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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