ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
