im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
