Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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