Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
