Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We need to get me chipped asap
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
