Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
