I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
