I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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