I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
