Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
