This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
