Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
