OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
