I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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