Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
