I want you more than these girls want KFC
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
