She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
