i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
