Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
