anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
