the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my shit smells like andre
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
