The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
