The maid of honor just puked.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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