Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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