Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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