My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
time to smoke my breakfast
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
