Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
