here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
