I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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