pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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