Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
