he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
