Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
