You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
