he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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