Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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